Traumaversary

Today marks 12 years since I lost my nanny. She was my rock and my biggest cheerleader. Every year on this day, I find myself constantly crying and thinking about all the mistakes I made. She passed right after I got out of an inpatient facility when I was 17. I was going through a really difficult time, my mental health was awful and I was so tired of living. I hadn't spoken to her for a couple months and then all of a sudden she was gone. I thought I had worked through that shame and guilt but it comes back every year. I can't stop crying and all I want is a hug from her. I was so focused on myself and trying to survive that I forgot to make sure she knew I loved her. Now here I am, 12 years later, still reliving this day every year...