It feels like the first Friday without him even though it’s not

I saw his birthday on a document today at work and I’ve been spiraling since.

The document had February 6, 2014 on it. It made me think about what he was doing then - 10 years ago. In some ways, I think he was happier. He was 20 years old and living with his friends. It was 9 months before his stepdad killed himself, adding a whole new set of trauma and depression to his already existing ones.

But anyways, it must have caused a tidal wave because I cried the whole way home and in a store.

And then when I walked into my empty house, it just felt like the first Friday without him even though it’s been over 2 months now. I just couldn’t help but remember what we would be doing normally during this time, the plans we would be making, etc.

This pain is unbearable.