Sexual abuse has taken everything from my life

TW: mentions of suicididal thoughts

I am getting on my wits end with life. I absolutely hate it. It has been almost 4 months of constant misery thanks to sexual abuse memories overwhelming me. It also came during the start of medschool and in response I withdrew from everyone.

I am just an android studying and I am completely friendless. Literally all I do is drown in misery and just create and do anki flashcards (which is a computer programme you create digital flashcards). NO ONE besides my family would miss me if I ended my life. I am friendless I eat alone I avoid people yet I am so lonely. I have no future besides being some shit doctor if I do actually make it through med school at this rate. I probably couldn't handle intimacy and who wants my broken burnt-out sad excuse for a human being?

Fucking kissing and most mouth sounds make my skin crawl. Even breathing sounds triggers me now and makes my skin crawl. I wish kissing was the worst thing that happened however it was a lot worse than that. A lot WORSE THAN THAT. Who does shit? I was just a 9 year old boy. This year will make 10 years since my sexual abuse began too.

I honestly just straight-up wish I wasn't born or I was aborted. My mum had many miscarriages, why did I have to be the one who actually made it? I have no joy in life. Do flashcards and have my mind numbed and try to stay awake due to flashcards being so repetitive and having a shit sleep schedule. Eat some crappy and quick meal. Ever since quitting keto I've just had rice, pasta and bread. Create flashcards and then review them.

I have no friends. I can't tidy my room as it's winter and fucking cold and this winter I am much more sensitive to the cold and hate going outside. Plus I have to get out of my pyjamas and wear regular clothes which despite loving clothes and expressing myself with clothes I can barely muster myself to wear actual clothes besides pyjamas.