Why do I feel like killing myself?

I’m confused by what I’m feeling. A little over a week ago I started feeling like I did off meds when I was getting manic but this time it hasn’t progressed any more than a muted feeling. Like I am creative, need attention/social, poor impulses, but I’m also fantasizing about killing myself a lot more than usual. I think it has to do with guilt I feel because I think I’m faking everything. I’m not going to because my bf and can’t financially live without me but I think about it a lot. Especially when I see those posts of people talking about sobriety (I’m a jealous bitch).

Anyway, what is this? It’s been over a week and it’s the same not euphoric. I can’t say about sleep because I generally can’t sleep without melatonin when I’m stable.

Edit: I really truly appreciate you guys, but I assure you that I will not harm myself. I care more about my boyfriend and kitty’s comfort than about my feelings. My life is almost perfect aside from my brain. I haven’t even cut myself since November, and before that not since the previous January. I promise I won’t do anything.

I can’t change the title now but I mean “Why do I feel like killing myself while also having a mild high?” Are those not opposites?