Has anyone here ever felt like they're just too masculine to be a feminine boy?

Heya, this post is gonna be a bit venty, but I really hope I’m not letting anyone down here. I know I haven’t really made that many positive remarks around here, but I just hope some of you can relate and share your stories. Anyway, thanks for your time in advance, strangers :3

Okay, so I have a traditionally male appearance (fairly thick eyebrows, defined jawline, sharp nose, long but masculinely appropriate hair), and sometimes that makes it really hard for me to feel feminine.

Many people have praised me for my masculine features, even my male friends. I know I should feel flattered, but honestly, none of those compliments really please my ego or make me happy in the slightest. It feels like they’re praising something I was just born with, something I happened to win in the genetic lottery or whatever, and all I feel is nothing because, I feel "it is what it is."

But some days, it feels kind of insulting (?). Especially on days when I look in the mirror and feel like it’s a "feminine day" I try to align with that sense of self (discreetly) because it makes me feel happy, and that happiness feels worth it. Then, when someone compliments me for my masculine traits, it feels like a punch to my face. Like, wow, congrats, man, you’ve just made me want to tear apart everything I’ve managed to feel comfortable with in my body so far.

Like, God, I really wish someone could praise me for my makeup (OR EVEN MY NAILLLSSS). I’ve spent so much time learning the art, and it can take me half an hour to put on. I just wish they could recognize and appreciate the things I’ve worked hard on instead of only complimenting the things I was born with.

And of course… I really wish I could show people how good I am with makeup, if only I didn’t live in such a conservative place where I get weird looks whenever I tie my hair in a slightly feminine way.

Or maybe not, because I’ve already tried showing one of my closest friends, and he said something along the lines of, "It’s really unfortunate to see a manly man like you giving up your masculinity for makeup. It makes me a bit disappointed (and uncomfortable) because all men want to be you." Like, whatever, man.. I thought were on the same team here.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh, i hate myself :(((((