I feel lost and empty
Hello guys,
I'm a 32(M) who got divorced last week, and I'm going through a lot of emotions and thoughts, unable to control them.
Why did I get divorced?
About me in brief: I am an only child, and my mother passed away during my childhood.
In our four-year relationship, we stayed together for only one year. The main reason for our separation is that she always used to suspect me. For example, when someone called me, she would ask me to put the phone on speaker, claiming that a relationship should be transparent. We didn't take any dowry nor asked anything from her family. To make a long story short, she lies and never accepts reality.
One day, I came home from work, and she was sitting in the bedroom with her mangal sutra, mettelu, and gajulu placed in front of the table, waiting for me to fight. I asked her what happened, and she replied that one of my relatives had spread some gossip about her, and she wanted me to confront them. I asked her who told her about this gossip, but she refused to share their names. I told her that when someone speaks behind your back, it can't be true, and I didn't believe those rumors, so we should leave it alone. She never listened and insisted that I call that relative and confront them, which I did. Was she happy? No. Then she said, "Why did you involve a third person?" That night, I received two slaps from her, but I didn't hit her back.
From then on, the days and nights were horrible for a week, filled with constant fights. She would remove her mangal sutra whenever we fought to prove that I meant nothing to her or when she went to her mother's house. We stayed separately for two years, and I did not call her; I waited for her to call me and wanted here one word every time, it was just one word: "Hello, ela unnav?" (how are you?). Guess what? Whenever she called, she talked about divorce or alimony because I had asked for a divorce during that fight. Yes, I did, because that slap felt terrible, and I asked for a divorce in that moment, which I conveyed to her. However, she forgets what she did and only remembers what came out of my mouth (divorce). Even when we started the divorce process(before the day of final hearing also) , I asked her to meet me outside and consider marriage counseling. Her response was, "All the mistakes are yours." I agree there were mistakes on my side; that's why I suggested couples counseling. Finally, it happened last week, breaking my heart into pieces and shattering my dreams.
What have I gained or learned from this relationship?
Anxiety, trust issues, a lost interest in pursuing relationships, pain, and a lot of life lessons.
How am I feeling?
I miss my mother a lot. I want to lay my head in my mother's lap and cry until I feel better. Nowadays, when people look at me, they see me as strong after all this, but inside, I feel lost and empty. I know this is part of life, and everyone deals with their own problems. But during this time, all my philosophy is going to waste.
Thank you for your time. It's quite a long post, and I felt better after writing it. I want to talk my heart out with someone who is in the same shoes or has stepped out of them.