I came really close to suicide last night.

My wife was out of town and I knew if I was going to do it it was going to have to be last night. So I lit a charcoal grill in my bedroom and sat here while browsing reddit with swimming goggles on cause the smoke hurt my eyes. That went on about 45 minutes, my understanding is it usually takes about 2 hours to kill someone. Luckily my wife called me and I decided to not do it.

I signed up for a therapist on talk space just now. I hope it helps. I've done in person therapy twice and it wasn't what I was looking for. I like that with this app i can get my thoughts out when I'm having them because in the past I just would have no idea what to say most of the time when it was therapy time.

I don't know what i'm looking for in posting this. I'm just scared and anyone who would talk to me would help calm me. thank you for reading.

Edit: thank you all so much for all your support. It’s really been so helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read a write to me.

Edit2: I am reading all your comments, I’m sorry I can’t respond to them all but seriously, I’ve never experienced so much unconditional love like this in my 38 years on this planet. Thank you all so much! It really has helped me so much to want to get myself out of this mess… also, I am about to have a video chat with a therapist that seems like a good fit…And a few have suggested microdosing mushrooms. I do have a plan in place to make that happen eventually and appreciate hearing how it has helped some of you.