workingonyourself

i spend so much effort "working on myself" in pursuit of inventing a version of me that won't have to develop courage. someone so attractive and complex that a relationship will just fall into his hands. my life is fulfilling and entertaining and i should be happy without a partner but i am not, everything about my life is soured by the fact that i've never been in a relationship, that i've never had the privilege of someone liking me back. i turn 22 in 5 months and it hurts more each year. but she will never appear out of nowhere. she will never confess first just because i'm deathly afraid of making someone uncomfortable, she will never approach me at a bar when i'm too scared to make eye contact, she will never be able to look past the tremendous insecurity and self-hatred and save me from myself. i have to put in that work. but i've been trying for so long. so much time and money spent on therapy and pills that do nothing. so much exposure work that just leaves me drunk and crying on the floor of a friend's apartment, overwhelmed and unloved. i want an out but i'm too scared to die